It Felt Like Drowning

by Disguise The Silence

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02:29
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02:55
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07:33
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02:23
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03:34
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07:31
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about

We recorded this album ourselves over the better part of what amounted to be one of the hardest years of our lives. Its release symbolizes closure, the overcoming of insurmountable odds, and most importantly, the love of everyone who has touched our lives over the last few years. This album is an honest attempt at a love letter to anyone who's ever felt like they were drowning at the hands of stress, loss, depression, or abuse. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and we can reach it together.

Love, Disguise the Silence

credits

released December 1, 2015

Released on BandWagon Records.
We're forever grateful for their passion and support of independent music.

Dan Granger: drums
Michael Olivier: guitar, bass, vocals
Zach Shepherd: guitar, vocals
Additional vocals: Paul Beveridge, Bryan Cahill, Sigorney Moore
Recorded, mixed, and Mastered by Michael Olivier
Painting featured on cover by Robert Landis
Layout & photography by Michael Olivier

Special thanks: Ely Corliss, Jacob Fleecs, Roy Catlin, Devon Hildebrandt, Stefan Lopez, Pie Lombardi, Dave Farrell, Patrick Gordon, Dug Grave, Brian Fairweather, every band we’ve shared the stage with, our families, the wonderful staff at the Moxi Theater, Point Source Audio, our indiegogo supporters, you.

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all rights reserved

about

Disguise The Silence Greeley, Colorado

We love music, and we're grateful for the opportunities we've been given to create and perform it. We love you for listening to a song, coming to a show, or reading this snippet. Keep in touch with us, and invite your friends to do the same!

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Track Name: Mediocritiques
Open up your mouth and close your mind
Don't forget to breathe between each line
Fear not, the world has heard you vocalize
Friends are simply flesh to store your knives

Here again
Why should I expect you to believe me when
Everyone lives for themselves
Everyone lives for themselves
Everyone dies by themselves
Everyone dies by themselves

Medicate your pain, its all you know
Numb your blood as far as it will go
Smile, laugh, and nod, its just for show
The bottle is a prison, not a home

Here again
Why should I expect you to believe me when
I'm over it
So long as your alive for us to meet again

Everyone lives for themselves
Everyone lives for themselves
Everyone dies by themselves
Everyone dies by themselves

Everyone lives for themselves
Everyone lives for themselves
Everyone dies by themselves
Everyone dies by themselves
Track Name: The Escapist
I know you're afraid
The truth alone might paint a target on your back
You're digging your own grave
and placing all the blame on what your lovers lack

So bury me beside the preacher's verse
I'm drowning in your every word
Sail away inside the bottle's arms
I'm dying to know who you are
and what you've done with me

Everybody here acts like they know you
but they don't know you like I do
Crippled by the fear that they might see you coming unglued
and every crutch you use to fight it

So bury me beside the preacher's verse
I'm drowning in your every word
Sail away inside the bottle's arms
I'm dying to know who you are
and what you've done with me

Numb yourself, just numb yourself
File down the edges to relieve the strain
Its just as well, maybe this is hell
Remind yourself that we're all dying anyway
Track Name: Notice Me
Raising fists and dropping bombs
Buy the car and get the girl
We are never in the wrong
and nothing matters in this world

Loyalty loses its flavor when you're starving for attention
Join the chorus, stop resisting, no one's here to learn a lesson

Singing
Notice me
Look this way before I start to
see the mess I've made

Bellies never satisfied
with empty minds and fragile hearts
I'll sign in blood to get what's mine
Just watch our story fall apart

Notice me
Look this way before I start to
see the mess I've made
Finally
I'm seeing you for who you are
Empty just like me

Oh how many years have gone to waste
Oh how human lives do lose their taste

Notice me
Look this way before I start to
see the mess I've made
Finally
I'm seeing you for who you are
Empty just like me

Notice me
NOTICE ME
Track Name: Preacher Man
Preacher man
Rehearse the way you raise your hands
Inspire the crowd to take a stand
Preacher man

Preacher man
Empty their wallets in the pan
Swear that there's a promised land
Preacher man

Play it cool
Keep them fooled
God's a myth I cannot prove
wrong in time
to make it right

Christian child
How long did your heart run wild
before your parents' lie defiled
Broken child

Preacher man
You know where the lie began
This country's blood is on your hands
Preacher man

What am I
but a sty
in your greedy corporate eye
Guess your way
is here to stay

No.
Track Name: Pages
I come from a desert
A place so dry of substance
Here the city gathers
to bet their faith on some chance
The world is nestled safe in
the hands of "god the father"
So dad why do you starve your
sons and rape your daughters?

You knew
This makes it harder to trust you
to trust you
All my life floating along on a lie
that I saw through
when I grew…

My skin is cracked and flaking
from the wind left by your words
I hid in your throat for shelter
and found my conscience burned
by your curses and excuses for
the hate your bible breathes
This game of counting moral cards
is surely not for me

I fell through the pages like the paper held no weight
Each word became a pound of dirt to shovel in my grave
You beat me half to death and just like you taught I prayed
and you knew…

This makes it harder to trust you
to trust you
All my life floating along on a lie
that i saw through
when I grew up
Goodbye my friend
I swear I'll find the end

God where were you
Nowhere to be found
Track Name: Trenches
Just say the words
Say you don't trust me
I've run out of verse to describe how I've tried
Now I'm empty

So I'll hang my head
and you'll tie the rope
Then I'll waste my breath
My excuse a joke
Still I'm too naive
to know when I should leave

and I
stare down the hall
This house is just walls and a ceiling
without you

Just make a sound
Tell me you're here too
Make it sharp, make it loud
I'm too stubborn and proud
just to hear you

So I'll dig a trench
and I'll crawl inside
My pillow is drenched
and I'd rather hide
than face you
or fix this
or look in the mirror at myself

Was it worth it?
Never is

and I'm
feeling so small
This apartment its all just a building
and empty without you
Without you
Oh no, I'm learning the hard way

I'm not better than anyone
I'm not better than anyone
I'm no saint but i've broken some
I'm not better

Look: what do I remind you of?
I'm not loving myself enough
I'm not better than anyone
I'm not better
Track Name: Not Alone
What if all we are is dying slowly
What if all I've done is waste my time
If we've truly nothing left to live for
Why should I just wait around to die

Can you hear me screaming through the water
Words blend in so gently with the rain
God was always silent when I cried out
Maybe I have never known its name

I am not alone here
I have never been
I am not alone here
I have never been
I am not alone here
I have never been
Every time I fall apart
you love me still

What if all I am is living empty
What if that's exactly what I need
Have I stayed here longer than is healthy
What if all my friends are ghosts like me

I am not alone here
I have never been
I am not alone here
I have never been
Every time I fall apart
you love me still

I will not forget who loved me first
and those that stand beside me to this day
I will not forget who quenched my thirst
when god was laying silent in its grave
Track Name: Coffin Nails
Some said it was just for show
but you helped me feel the realest thing I know
Dig up the pain let it show
the songs that it wrote and the heart that it broke

I wont forget the love I've lost
I cherish the pain it caused
and cling to nights its hard to live
Reminds me I've love to give

Inside my chest you were home
Your mess was my mess and your words were my rope
I clung to your breath when you spoke
Your insults brought freedom your jabs gave me hope

I wont regret the times I failed
They're lessons not coffin nails
and cling to nights I almost died
Reminds me I'm loved
It gets better
I'll be just fine

Its not just survival
Its learning to thrive
Its smiles and laughter
on nights when you cry
Its friendship and couches you'll crash on
like I will tonight
Track Name: Reality Check in F# minor
Once I was afraid that you were dead
Scared the pills could work faster than me
Try not to collapse inside my head
As I beg "open your eyes, don't fall asleep"

Your lips are turning blue
And the thought of losing you
is getting real
is getting real
You're staring into death
as you take one lucid breath
"Do you hate me?" she says
I could never love you less

Once I watched the blood drain from your face
The doctor said the poison wore you thin
Your heart grew weak as mine began to race
with my eyes fixed on your body giving in

Your lips are turning blue
And the thought of losing you
is getting real
is getting real
You're staring into death
as you take one lucid breath
"Do you hate me?" she says
I could never love you less

"Do you hate me
'Cause I don't love myself
You see I'm breaking
Just being here is hell"
Track Name: Stay
Who am I to say you should stay
when lifting your head only sharpens the ache
Yet to find a poison to take
that misses your heart while it kills off the pain

Have you felt so tired and small
that you swear when you speak no one hears you at all
and your heartbeat slows to a crawl
and each coming breath feels like scaling a wall

I'm grasping for words
but I love you is all I can say
Please stay

I heard you say it burns in your chest
I can tell that you mean it with each labored breath
and the thought that scares me to death
is that you wont know relief and you're finding no rest

I'll never blame you
and I'll always love you the same
Please stay

Stay

Oh what monstrous love I have found
to spend life beside you
then lay with my friends in the ground
Track Name: Come Hell
When I'm dead will there be
legacy to be missed
When I'm gone will you speak
with honeyed or bitter lips

Lay my remains open wide
Onlookers few will see
Hell is a a place inside
not molten beneath our feet

I've been questioning my value on this planet and
I've found evidence abound
The measure of a man cannot be weighed in sand
or built by hand in greed
Its how we loved you'll see

Come hell
I will love come hell

When I'm old will I fear
the grave or my list of deeds
enough to invent god
to wash my guilt out to sea
I'll tear my voice tonight
to shreds if it means you'll see
Hell is a place inside
a product of apathy

I've been caring far too much to care for complacency
I dare the world to test me so
I stutter, drown in my own words
I wrote for you when I was bloodied, bare
and on those words I'll choke

If all the world's my stage and they say "act your age"
With bodies bruised and more abuse unspoken for
If closure is not close and threatens overdose
If god is sleeping when we're told to fear again

Come hell, I will love come hell

If lies infest our dreams and separate the seams
If faith and truth should drown and burn our houses down
If rumors show their teeth to crush our hopes beneath
If sickness in our heads should leave our passion dead

Come hell, I will love come hell
Track Name: It Felt Like Drowning
Struggle to breathe
One foot beneath the waves
I saw the sea as a lake in my dreams
Now I concede
Drowning so reckless
The ocean and all of the life it contains
is much bigger than me
Deeper than me

What should I think,
if I should die tonight,
of empty religion or my family?
What will they write
upon finding my body?
You said not to worry but left this in ink:

"This is probably akin to what dying feels like
and I am no longer interested"

What's the point of making myself
a stranger to all I love?
All my life I've buried it down
It felt so much like drowning until now
like drowning until now

Of all the guilt I hold
Malice feels the worst
Before my story's told
Forgive my conscience first
for nights spent feeling empty
with a stranger in my bed
or sitting in the closet
with a gun pressed to my head

"This is probably akin to what dying feels like"

What's the point of making myself
a stranger to all I love?
All my life I've buried it down
It felt so much like drowning until now
like drowning until now

I have learned to love this song
and I have learned to love my friends
I will learn to love myself
before I die, if nothing else